Candid Russia

Судьба двух коров
The fate of two cows

При СОЦИАЛИЗМЕ:

У вас есть две коровы. Государство забирает одну и отдает её кому-то другому.
UNDER SOCIALISM:

You have two cows. The state takes one and gives it to someone else.

При КОММУНИЗМЕ:

У вас есть две коровы. Государство забирает обеих и выдает вам молоко.
UNDER COMMUNISM:

You have two cows. The state takes both gives you mik.

При ФАШИЗМЕ:

У вас есть две коровы. Государство забирает обеих и продает вам молоко.
UNDER FASCISM:

You have two cows. The state takes both and sells you milk.

При НАЦИЗМЕ:

У вас есть две коровы. Государство забирает обеих. Потом – вас.
UNDER NATZISM:

You have two cows. The state takes both. Then it takes you.

При БЮРОКРАТИИ:

У вас есть две коровы. Государство забирает обеих, забивает одну из них, и выливает молоко в канализацию.
UNDER BUREAUCRACY

You have two cows. The state takes both, kills one and pours the milk into the serage system.

При КАПИТАЛИЗМЕ:

У вас есть две коровы. Вы продаете одну и покупаете быка.
UNDER CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

При ДЕМОКРАТИИ ПО-СИНГАПУРСКИ:

У вас есть две коровы. Правительство налагает на вас штраф за содержание в квартире двух животных без лицензии.
UNDER SINGAPORE CAPITALISM

You have two cows. The Government imposes a fine on you for keeping two animals in your flat without a licence.

При ДЕМОКРАТИИ ПО-АМЕРИКАНСКИ:

Правительство обещает, что у вас будут две коровы, если вы проголосуете за него. После выборов президент подвергается импичменту за спекуляцию коровьим будущим. Журналисты называют все происходящее «Скотогейтом».
UNDER AMERICAN DEMOCRACY:

The Government promises that you will have two cows if you vote for them. After the election the government is impeached for speculating on bovine future. The press call it "Cowgate".

При ДЕМОКРАТИИ ПО-БРИТАНСКИ:

У вас есть две коровы. Вы кормите их овечьими мозгами, и они сходят с ума. Правительство ничего не предпринимает.
UNDER BRITISH DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. You feed them both sheep's brains and they go mad. The Government does nothing about it.

При ДЕМОКРАТИИ ПО-РУССКИ:

Вы все еще стоите в очереди за первой коровой.
UNDER RUSSIAN DEMOCRACY:

You are still standing in a queue for your first cow.

При ДЕМОКРАТИИ ПО-ИРАКСКИ:

Вы не можете осмотреть этих коров.
UNDER IRAQI DEMOCRACY:

You may inspect these cows.

При ДЕМОКРАТИИ ПО-МАЛАЙЗИСКИ:

Принимается государственная программа ограничения выпаса коров, и вас сажают в тюрьму за неспособность разводить коров.
UNDER MALAYAN DEMOCRACY:

There is a government programme for organiic grazing for cows, and they put you in prison for not being able to breed cows

При ДЕМОКРАТИИ ПО-ЯПОНСКИ:

У вас есть две коровы. Вы отдаете молоко мафии, чтобы они не наезжали на вас с вопросами, кому вы отдаете молоко.


UNDER JAPANESE DEMOCRACY:

You have two cows. You suply artificial milk so that they don't come down on you with questions about to whom you suply milk.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Часовой стоит на посту и видит нарушителя границы.

- Стой, стрелять буду!

-Стою!

-Стреляю!
A sentry is standing at his post and he sees someone trying to cross the border.

Don't move! I'll shoot!
I'm not moving.
I'm shooting!

Видел двух мужчин настолько пьяных, что рубашка одного из них была заправлена в брюки другому.
I saw two men so drunk that the shirt of one was tucked into the trousers of the other.

ОЧКАРИК

Я настолько зоркий сокол, что ношу очки без стекол.
OPTICIAN

I'm such a keen-eyed eagle that I wear glasses without lenses.

Участковый беседует с дедком, злостным самогонщиком.

-- Микитичь, прекрати гнать !

-- Гнал, гоню и гнать буду.

-- Посадим к -------- !

-- Сын гнать будет.

-- И его посадим !!

-- Внук будет

-- И внука !!!

-- Hу а тогда я уже выду !

At the ---------- was chatting with grandpa, a dreadful old moonshiner.

Mikitich, stop distilling!

I have distilled, still do distill and will carry on distilling.

We'll put you in - - - !

My son will distill.

We'll put him inside too!!

My grandson will distill.

And the grandson!!!

Well, by then I'll be out.



-- Дорогой, когда мы поженимся, я буду делить с тобой все твои тревоги и заботы.

-- Hо милая, у меня нет никаких тревок и забот!

-- Я же говорю, когда мы поженимся.
My dear, when we get married I'll share with you all your troubles and worries.

But darling, I haven't got any troubles and worries!

I'm saying when we get married.

Жена наставила мужу pога. Узнав об этом, он откинул копыта.
A woman was unfaithful to her husband. When he found out he threw away his hooves.

- Шеф, я хотел спросить вас кое о чем. Несчастный коллега скончался. Не мог бы я занять его место?

- Я согласен. Договоритесь с похоронным бюро.
Boss, I want to ask you about something. My unfortunate colleague has kicked the bucket. Couldn't I take his place.

All right. Arrange it with the funeral office.

Папа звонит к соседу:

- Вы сделали за сына домашнее задание по математике?

- Сделал

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just pricks.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the arse are permanent.

Blonde's revenge
It has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes:

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache

KNOW WHO INVENTED BLONDE JOKES?
Brunettes, they had nothing better to do on Friday or Saturday nights